How to handle unresolved conflicts with relatives when you know you'll see them during the holidays

BIRMINGHAM, Mich. (WXYZ) - The holiday season is a time for many festive family gatherings. But for some people, these interactions are a source of great stress.

 

"It comes up at the holidays because sometimes it's a once a year visit, and the only time that you see this uncle or this aunt or these siblings or parents is once a year. And you know things perhaps are going to overflow and happen and you can't avoid it. So it's stressful," explained Dr. Tracey Stulberg – a licensed marriage and family therapist in Birmingham. 

TRY BEING POLITE

 

Dr. Stulberg said it is helpful if you and your immediate family members agree how you’ll handle possible problems before you go to the family gathering.  Sometimes trying to be polite may get you through any potential conflicts or arguments.  Being civil in your interactions could prevent any words from casting a cloud over the event.

 

“Choosing to not respond when family members behave unkindly or make disparaging comments is incredibly difficult,” said Dr. Stulberg.  “It takes patience and the desire to create healthier relationships to walk away from a possible confrontation initiated by others.  Behaving differently in these situations is one of the first steps toward change and perhaps enjoying a difficult holiday gathering.”

 

TRY TO START THE HEALING

If possible, Dr. Stulberg recommends you try to begin the healing process before the family has gathered.  Ask the person if they’d like to sit down to talk, have a phone conversation or SKYPE about what’s affected your relationship.

A letter may also work. 

However, make sure you use phrases like “I feel,” “I would like” and  “I hope” instead of pointing the finger with phrases like “you do this” and “you did that.”

“Remember that you are the one attempting to deal effectively with relationship issues.  Those involved in these issues may not even recognize that they exist or want to make any changes necessary to resolve them,” said Dr. Stulberg.

“It is so important to use clear ‘I’ statements to discuss your feelings, needs, hopes, and possibilities for a better relationship.  The fastest way to shut down a conversation is to use ‘you’ statements,” added Dr. Stulberg.

BE PREPARED TO APOLOGIZE

Saying your sorry is not always easy.  But Dr. Stulberg says you should be prepared  to apologize for your part in any conflict or misunderstanding. 

Offering a sincere apology is one way to move the relationship forward.  Just don’t automatically expect to receive an apology in return.

“They may not accept your apology, or take responsibility for their own behavior.  And while that may be difficult to handle, your honesty and integrity still stands,” said Dr. Stulberg. “Hopefully, they will come back to the discussion, learn by your good example, and work hard to effectively resolve these issues and create healthier relationships.”

PRIOR ABUSE?

If the problem stems from a prior abusive relationship, you may simply want to avoid that person.  Seeking the help from a third party of counselor may be your best bet in this case.

“In families where there are issues related to trauma or abuse, resolving relational conflict may be more complicated.  In these situations or any in which safety concerns could become a concern, seek out the assistance of a licensed marriage and family therapist to help all parties work through the conflict,” said Dr. Stulberg.